What Can Shyness Do to You?

While humans are inherently social creatures, the path to connection is frequently blocked by an internal barrier. Shyness is an exaggerated fear of being judged by others and causes discomfort and emotional limitations when a person desires social contact.

Between 40% and 50% of Americans say they have a certain tendency toward shyness. Of these, 75% say they dislike being shy, and 66% admit that their shyness is a personal problem. And 31% of the American population will have an anxiety disorder in some point of their life.

It is important to remember that anxiety disorders can manifest themselves in different ways in each person, such as through panic attacks, generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia, among other forms.

What causes this mental health problem? Among the factors that contribute to the high rate of suffering linked to excessive anxiety are psychological problems, emotional abuse—such as shouting, deprecating the child, and cursing—physical abuse, such as imposing overly heavy tasks or beating, and sexual abuse in childhood.

Socioeconomic factors also contribute, such as unemployment, poverty, families broken by alcoholism or other substance abuse, as well as divorce. Added to this are social problems, such as the stress caused by traffic jams in large cities, which cause people to lose hours every day commuting to work. In addition, social violence, noise pollution, air pollution in large cities, and loneliness contribute to the emergence of mental distress.

We live in an anxious world that is rapidly heading towards depression. Worldwide, at least 330 to 350 million people suffer from depression. Considering the Americas—North America, Central America, and South America—the United States ranks first in the incidence of depression. It is striking: a first-world country with so many depressed people.

How can it be that a comfortable lifestyle does not prevent depression? Brazil ranks second, and Cuba third, in terms of the incidence of depression. It is also observed that, worldwide, women are more affected by depression than men.

Studies on shyness have shown that the family environment and unpleasant experiences that increase anxiety are as important as genetics in explaining the onset of this suffering in some people. Some researchers suggest that genetics may be involved, but not necessarily the existence of a “shyness gene.”

Dr. Elaine Aron, a scientist with a PhD in clinical psychology, began studying a personality trait called “high sensitivity” in 1991, together with her husband, Dr. Arthur Aron. Their studies suggest that shyness is not genetically inherited per se, but rather what is inherited is the trait of sensitivity, which does not necessarily lead to shyness unless there is a problematic environment, especially during childhood or adolescence.

Worldwide, it is estimated that about 14% of the population has this trait of high sensitivity. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, children who prefer to pause to observe their surroundings or withdraw when the environment is too hectic may be mistakenly interpreted as shy. As they develop self-awareness and the ability to make choices, this temperamental characteristic may manifest itself as a preference for less stimulating environments and greater closeness to family members. However, this behavior does not necessarily characterize shyness.

When placed in new situations, young children may pause to observe their surroundings. It is the continuous presence of stressors that can cause a highly sensitive person to develop a fear of social evaluation—that is, shyness.

It is important to differentiate between shyness and introversion. Shyness involves suffering and fear of social evaluation, while introversion is not experienced as painful by the introverted person.

Children from the same family react differently to the same difficult situations. The same family or school problem can affect one child in one way and their sibling in another. While one may recover more easily, the other may suffer more deeply and take longer to recover emotionally, due to individual differences in sensitivity.

Some children are more sensitive to noise, stress, hectic environments, and family conflicts than others. Studies show that an important stressor for highly sensitive children is an insecure bond with a very anxious or emotionally unstable mother, as well as the difficulty of parents and close family members in dealing appropriately with this temperament.

A child who grows up in an environment with emotionally unstable parents learns, through attachment, to develop higher levels of anxiety. Young children do not consciously invent behaviors: they inherit genetic tendencies, suffer epigenetic influences, and copy what they observe in their parents.

Therefore, before reprimanding a child for certain behavior, it is important for parents to reflect on whether this attitude is something that the child is merely reproducing. Is it fair to demand behavior from a child that the parents themselves cannot maintain?

Scientists have observed that more sensitive and vulnerable children exhibit greater shyness when exposed to dysfunctional family relationships. In addition, frequent changes, such as changing schools or cities, also increase shyness in these children.

On the other hand, excessive shyness can also develop in children and adolescents of any temperament when there are repeated experiences of criticism and rejection.

To help a child not become overly shy and reduce the risk of anxiety disorders and depression in the future, some attitudes are essential: do not criticize the child for not living up to an idealized model, avoid comparisons with siblings or other children, and offer protection to highly sensitive children, avoiding constant exposure to excessively noisy and stressful environments.

Finally, if the child or adolescent is so shy that they avoid school, social interaction, or prefer isolation, it is essential to talk to them to understand what is happening and seek a psychological evaluation. Excessive shyness is painful, needs to be treated, and can be addressed in a way that provides a better quality of mental life.