Self-Deception – Lying to Yourself

Gregg Vanourek works as a personal development coach. I read an article by him about self-deception. Have you ever heard this expression? Do you know what it is? Let’s reflect on this subject, looking at some of this author’s ideas along with my own reflections.

We can engage in self-deception, which is hiding the truth from ourselves about our true thoughts, feelings and motives. When we are deceiving ourselves, we are denying evidence, running away from logic, or not facing reality. We rationalize choices or behaviors to serve a false narrative. We’re not seeing things – or not seeing them accurately.

Self-deception can be conscious or unconscious, controlled or automatic, acute or chronic. Self-deception is often a defense mechanism used for self-protection. However, it often becomes a form of self-sabotage and betrayal, because it denies reality. When we deceive ourselves, we become our own enemy, pretending to be our friend.

Self-deception can involve denying difficult truths, diminishing the importance of painful issues or projecting blame onto others. It’s complicated because we’re often not aware that we’re doing it. But if we take the time to sincerely analyze whether we are self-deceiving, we may find examples of this in our lives.

For example, we may be pretending that we still like a job or career when we no longer care about it. Other examples of self-deception could be a dreamer who keeps putting off plans with excuses about not having enough time or it not being the right time to start; or a husband or wife who keeps focusing on their spouse’s faults and ignoring their own problems.

Another example is a person who is always justifying their debts, which are a major issue. There is also the case of a spouse who denies having serious problems in the marriage, even when there is clear evidence of infidelity or violence. Also, a drug addict who believes that their addiction is under control is another case of self-deception.

There are some tell-tale signs of self-deception. You are probably self-deceiving when you keep making excuses for yourself or others, don’t accept responsibility for things, keep blaming others, avoid facing unpleasant realities, or get defensive, threatening people who confront you.

Self-deception usually comes with a lot of discomfort and anxiety, partly because of the disconnection between what you believe and how you behave. So if you’ve been feeling very anxious, couldn’t this be a sign that you’re deceiving yourself in some area of life?

Where does self-deception come from? The causes are varied, but some examples could be: mistakes in upbringing in the family of origin, when your parents or other people of influence in your life set a bad example; lack of confidence in yourself, and therefore lying to yourself to compensate for the feeling of insecurity; fear of judgment from others; wanting to please others in such a way that you belittle your own needs in order to show yourself as someone “nice”; or wanting to impress other people by trying to show that you are very good at something that, in fact, you are not.

It can also be about avoiding painful thoughts or experiences. After suffering hardship or trauma, a person can become involved in self-deception due to excessive anxiety, as exaggerated anxiety can narrow the sphere of consciousness. Thus, the anxious person can self-deceive by not noticing details.

We can have psychological beliefs, some of which are irrational, that lead us to self-deception. For example, you can live believing that an accident is going to happen every time you are driving, and this belief, ingrained in your mind, is self-deception, because there is no certainty that you will actually have an accident.

Self-deception can also serve as a mechanism for dealing with feelings of shame, where the person tries to ignore their real condition and live as a character invented in their mind.

If there’s anything positive about self-deception, it’s that it can foster the emergence of pleasant feelings about ourselves and help us maintain confidence when facing difficult moments or situations, when it allows us to fantasize without excess.

On the other hand, self-deception can lead us to avoid taking responsibility for our attitudes or facing difficult feelings for a long time.

There are harms to self-deception. For example, Gregg Vanourek, a personal development coach, gives some examples of this, showing that self-deception can make it more difficult to grow and develop, because it harms us by preventing us from seeing our flaws clearly. It contributes to losing sight of who we really are and what is real.

We may have been deceiving ourselves for a long time, and this can worsen anxiety and lead to compulsive behaviors, such as overeating, overworking, alcohol abuse, among other compulsions. These compulsions often serve to numb painful emotions.

Self-deception favors the feeling of living as a fraud, because it can cause fatigue due to the mental gymnastics of lying and trying to hide it. It can produce shame and guilt, deceive people, weaken relationships and keep you stuck in destructive habits. When we deceive ourselves, we start to lose confidence in ourselves, which makes us feel impure.

What can you do to avoid self-deception?

• First, admit that you are acting in this deceitful manner. This means that you will no longer avoid thinking about the fact that you are acting this way. Next, make the decision to become completely honest with yourself.
• It is also important to pray to God for clarity and light to see when and how you are self-deceived. Meditating on biblical texts can help a lot to stop self-deception. Considering that the Bible is the truth, by exposing yourself to the truth, it will act to put an end to your lies and self-deceptions.
• Another step towards getting out of self-deception is to try to understand what led you to decide to act like that. It also helps to avoid belittling yourself when you get caught up in self-deception. Remember that you have decided to fight it and that there may be a relapse here and there. But when you realize that you have relapsed, forgive yourself, ask God and someone you may have deceived for forgiveness, and carry on with your decision to overcome this problem.
• If you feel that you are not improving on your own, think that you could benefit from professional help. Sometimes, what is causing self-deception can be linked to important traumas, especially those suffered during childhood and adolescence. Overcoming this may require professional help, such as from a psychologist.

When you begin to stop self-deception, your normal self-confidence will return and you will become more authentic, rather than a fake person. This will lead to an improvement in your relationships in general and even contribute to your productivity at work and in your studies to improve.

By gradually overcoming self-deception, with the motivation to care about inner growth rather than external appearance, you will find relief in your life. This can reduce anxiety, as I mentioned earlier.

Some people are self-deceived because they are worried about pleasing others, but change that thinking. Replace the desire to please people with the desire to please God. By stopping self-deception, your love for people will always be sincere.

Look at what the apostle Paul, inspired by God, recommends: “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9.

Mature love doesn’t pretend, it doesn’t deceive people or even itself. Healing self-deception leads a person to be someone better and more sincere. This produces, among other things, inner peace and honest appreciation from others.

If you frequently are hard on yourself and other people in the midst of deception, think about starting to practice self-compassion. This is not the same as feeling sorry for yourself.

Some people believe that by being hard on themselves and demanding too much, they will be able to motivate themselves. But a person who does this can lose motivation. Scientific studies show that self-compassion is more motivating, especially when the person is experiencing a difficult situation.

A 2011 study by researchers at the University of California found that self-compassion increases motivation to recover from failure, which in many cases has to do with self-deception. In this study, after failing a test, students spent more time studying when they spoke kindly to themselves, rather than berating and criticizing themselves. In addition, they reported greater motivation to change their weaknesses when they practiced self-acceptance, which is a key component of self-compassion.

Do not deceive yourself any longer! Learn how to face the truth and you will see how your life will change for the better. It is surely worth it!