4 Signs that Your Marriage is Crumbling

Let’s think about some attitudes in marriage, practiced by the husband or wife, that foster the idea of separation in each other’s minds, due to the pain and frustration that such attitudes produce — especially when they become routine.

Eva Van Prooyen is a psychotherapist, educator, and relationship expert based in Santa Barbara, California. In an interesting article, she comments that contempt is the most destructive behavior in a marriage because it conveys the idea that, “I am better than you. I don’t respect you.”¹⁾Eva Van Prooyen. This One Thing is the Biggest Predictor of Divorce. Gottman Institute, August 25, 2017

She says that contempt is so destructive that couples who despise each other are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases than couples who do not. She explains that Dr. John Gottman—a marriage and family therapist with extensive experience—described the so-called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are predictors of divorce. In addition to contempt, they are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.²⁾Ellie Lisitsa. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Gottman Institute, October 15, 2024

Let’s take a look at this now. Constantly criticizing your spouse is different from mentioning a criticism in the sense of making a complaint. According to Ellie Lisitsa, author of several articles on married life, when you make a complaint to your husband or wife, it is something specific and one-off, which is different from attacking the person.

Here is an example of a normal complaint and destructive criticism:
You say to your spouse: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” This is a complaint.

Now here is an example of destructive criticism:
“You never think about me! I can’t believe you don’t remember me. You’re so selfish!” Notice how, in this case, you are attacking the other person.

The problem with criticism is that when it is repeated, attacking the other person, it makes the victim feel attacked, hurt, rejected, diminished, and leads to contempt.

Try to replace destructive criticism with sincere, thoughtful, balanced comments aimed at solving the problem, not attacking the other person.

When contempt exists in a relationship, it means that the person who despises acts with malice, because they disrespect the other, ridicule them, act sarcastically, and this hurts. Contempt is one of the most indicative factors of the possibility of divorce.

Instead of contempt, start thinking about what you admire in the person and act kindly toward them. Talk about the good things you have experienced in the past. Comment on how you fell in love with each other.

Relationship therapist Eva Van Prooyen explains that despite all the pain and negative feelings that have built up over the years, there is still a spark of friendship. The key is to reignite that spark, and the best way to do that is by creating a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship.

In addition to contempt and criticism, another behavior that can lead to divorce is defensiveness, which is usually a response or reaction to criticism. Being defensive means making excuses for the wrong behaviors we engage in when we want to justify them. This conveys to the other person that their concerns will not be taken seriously and that we will not take responsibility for our mistakes.

Consider this example from therapist Ellie:

One spouse asks the other: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

The defensive response would be: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

Notice that this individual not only responds defensively, but also reverses the blame in an attempt to shift it onto the other person.

Instead, a non-defensive response should express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective. The spouse who failed to fulfill the agreement could have said: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”

Another behavior that harms the relationship and can also contribute to the idea of separation is what we call the stone wall. This happens when the listener withdraws from dialogue or contact, simply stopping responding to their partner. Instead of facing problems with their partner, some people may resort to evasive maneuvers, such as retreating, closing themselves off, sulking, and not speaking for several days.

When a husband or wife constantly criticizes, despises, and acts defensively, this leads to the construction of a protective wall, which is the stone wall in the relationship. There is a distancing. This also contributes to a possible separation.

If one day you are discussing a difficult issue with your spouse and things get heated, instead of isolating yourself and building a stone wall, you should take a break and explain how you are feeling. You can say something like this:

“Look, let’s take a break from this discussion because I’m getting too angry. Give me a little time to cool off, and then, in a few minutes, we’ll get back to it.”

Then, politely leave the room and engage in a task that distracts your mind from the difficult topic that was being discussed. Return to the conversation when you feel you have calmed down.

So, identify these four behaviors that destroy relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (isolation).

Admit that you may be practicing one or more of these and start working to change your behavior. Regardless of whether your spouse does the same, strive to act differently and better, to do your part in trying to maintain the marriage.

Stop treating the other person by scolding them, as if they were a child. Avoid swear words. Don’t mock them, using sarcastic or teasing attitudes. Think that this person next to you deserves respect — even if they are imperfect, just as you are imperfect.

When contempt begins to weigh on your relationship, you tend to completely forget your partner’s positive qualities — at least while you are upset. You can’t remember a single quality about the other person, can you? Especially when you are full of anger.

In summary: Don’t attack your spouse by constantly pointing out his or her flaws. Don’t be demeaning, because this erodes the bond and ultimately breaks the couple’s emotional intimacy.

It is impossible to maintain a close relationship when one of the two constantly disrespects the other with criticism, insults, irony, and sarcasm. The person you have chosen to share your life with has value as an individual and deserves respect.

Some people think that maintaining respect is not right, because it seems like a father-daughter or mother-son relationship. But that’s not it! Respecting your spouse is not positioning yourself as a father or mother — it is recognizing the dignity you both have as human beings.